Actually, I don't mind being your backup.
Zhenzhen can be said to be the most impermanent of all my friends. Others asked me out a day or two in advance or only when everyone went back to Dongguan during the long holiday, but the real appointment was very sudden, and sometimes it even disrupted my original plan. sometimes I was too lazy to go out to wash my hair while watching TV dramas, but she suddenly appeared: "are you free in the afternoon?"
in fact, I have told Heng before that I am depressed and will passively deal with socializing and my friends, such as saying that my classmates have an appointment for a party two days in advance. but the night before the party, I will suddenly be very irritable while browsing the moments while wondering whether I can not go out tomorrow, or even looking for an excuse for stomachache and so on.
for people like me, it's more comfortable to watch other people's colorful lives through the screen, so that I don't have to think about other people's feelings when I'm playing with others outside. And keep looking for topics to avoid embarrassment when they feel embarrassed when they are with me. I am most afraid that others will be unhappy or uncomfortable when they are with me, so I seldom have "people who want to go on a date".
but only every time Zhenzhen asks me out, I immediately say "yes", although I know in my heart that I am only her "fetal friend".
I know that every time she asks me out, she doesn't ask me out for the kind of simple chat and shopping between friends, just because she happens to be looking for someone to gossip about her recent relationship with her boyfriend; I know I'm not her usual friend. It's just that she needs someone who can understand the details of her relationship and quietly swallow everything she says in the trash can.
I know she has no shortage of company, but she needs someone like me, but this lack is not necessary for her, so I know very well that I am just her spare friend, and I am by her side when she is willing to find me.
my years of "willing to be a backup" experience tells me that if you are a spare, then what you need most is the "sense of existence and self-worth" that the other person gives you. When others give him a feeling of "I need you, can you not sleep for a while", he feels that he has the value of existence and is more willing to pay for his friends and lovers.
I have a "guilty" experience that the nicer a person is to me and the happier I am, the more frustrated I am, because I think everything is a parabola, and when the happiness index reaches its highest level, then it goes downhill. So I am more willing to give than to enjoy what others have given me.
although "giving" is more passive than "enjoying", "passive" is actually a good thing, just like when you fall in love with someone, although you are passive, but you always have the right to choose when to give up unrequited love, and you always have the right to stop the torment of love at any time.
when I was suffering from depression, I had an emotional breakdown one night. I couldn't stop crying for two hours. I cried for no reason. I just thought the day was too dark and meaningless. I sent two words to my most trusted friend. The first sentence is "I want to die" and the second sentence is "Don't call me".
then there was a friend who was constantly worried about me on the other end of the phone, so he quickly contacted my friend in the neighborhood next door and asked her to come and see me. Later I thought it was a very lucky thing that someone cared about you when you were struggling on the brink of life and death. But at that time, I was even more flustered, because there was only one sentence in my heart: "look at you, it's useless. I'm bothering others again. You might as well end yourself, so that everyone will feel better."
I am so afraid that others will be nice to me. I can't enjoy what others are willing to give me. I am in such a panic.
I remember eating grilled fish a long time ago. Coincidentally, the grilled fish was also a spare tire experience for me. One day at noon, the thorns asked us in the group who would like to have grilled fish. I thought he was supposed to have grilled fish in the evening (because it was already lunch at that time), but it turned out that he and vivi were eating grilled fish in Wanda, and then the two ordered too much to finish, so he asked me if I should take a taxi.
actually I am not such a warm person, but I said yes, the psychology at that time was very strange, that is to say, my psychology was so strange all the time. I knew that the other party could not do without me, but I would be better off. When I think of this, I can't bear to turn them down. Now think about it, maybe I was born to be a backup.
there is a noun called "God's perspective". I think I look down on my perspective. Vivi once told me that I am the kind of person who despises myself, but sometimes I don't say that my opinion is not so important to others. I will keep silent on one side, just like at a party of friends, the role I would most like to play is the one who laughs happily in the corner.
Heng took pictures for me, and after he finished fixing the film, he sent it to me. I said every one of them was good, and then he said, "you won't tell me if you don't look good." in fact, he once said to me, "you can't have only me in your world, but also have yourself." now there is nothing in your world. Think about it carefully. It's the same as what vivi said to me.
I don't know how to get rid of this strange mentality. I like to be the person in the most corner. It's not necessary to be someone else, but if I have a better spare tire, maybe I don't want to change it either. Probably as Zhong Wuyan sings, "without your permission, I will love it; I am willing to be a passenger car, but also happy to sigh."
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probably, I thought in my heart that you are my important person, so as long as I can be by your side, even if it is a small part, it doesn't matter. My only hope is that when I am needed by you, you know, for a humble person like me, this is my blessing.