If you need me, let me know.

/October 2023

Ren Hang committed suicide. He is a photographer. Before he left, I didn't really follow his Weibo, nor have I seen any of his works, so I can't pretend to be someone who knows him very well.

but I still have to write this article, because his other identity has something to do with me: Ren Hang is a patient with depression.

at 12:30 the night before last, just as I was preparing to go to bed, I received my friend's Wechat.

he said, "I really want to die."

without waiting for my reply, I received his second message: "Don't call me."

I was afraid to call back. I just replied to Wechat several times in a row, and then sent him a direct text message: "Why, tell me about it."

I was afraid that he had done something, and that if I acted too worried, it would aggravate his anxiety. I was still thinking: if he doesn't answer me in ten minutes, I have to ask my friends who know where his home is. Please hurry up and have a look.

I am afraid because he suffers from depression like Ren Hang.

but what happened that night was just a false alarm. He was really sad at that time, but fortunately he adjusted it in time. I talked to him until almost two o'clock in the morning, and after confirming it again and again, I said to him, "then I'll go to bed."

he said, "Don't worry. Good night."

they call depression a big black dog.

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the big black dog always pops up in front of you, and no matter where you run, it's impossible to avoid it. Like a black stain in front of your eyes, only by closing your eyes can you pretend it doesn't exist.

more than once, my depressed friend said to me, "actually, it takes more courage to live than to die."

I have tried to oppose or even criticize his idea. I showed him the beauty of life by inviting him to dinner and traveling together. Then when he smiled, I asked him, "do you feel the desire to live?"

he smiled and shook his head and said, "I only feel pain."

he is very sensitive, and even if I said "it doesn't matter" at that moment, he could see my disappointment in the corner of my drooping mouth.

"I'm sorry to have wasted your efforts." He said.

later I learned that it is useless for you to share happiness with big black dogs when they appear, because big black dogs eat into their happiness.

seeing friends he hasn't seen for a long time, the big black dog will say to them, "finally, there's nothing to worry about."

after eating delicious sushi, the big black dog will say, "that's all."

when there is a sunny day that makes people want to go for a walk, the big black dog will say, "so what, you are superfluous."

it makes them lose their appetite, makes it difficult for them to concentrate, and even, at some point, makes them feel that life is boring, painful, helpless, and capricious.

so no matter how unwilling we are, we have to admit that for them who are haunted by big black dogs, it does take more courage to live than to die.

objective facts never change because of our likes and dislikes, so they don't disappear just because you disagree.

maybe you still can't accept this point of view. But it doesn't matter, because it took me months to convince myself from the bottom of my heart.

it is important to accept that it takes more courage to live than to die. It is like a key to help us understand the thoughts of people with depression. I once received an email from a reader who suspected that he was suffering from depression, but his mother thought he was thinking too much. "there is no such thing as eating and drinking," and "it would be better to study if you have such a mind."

he said: "my mother's words are always in my heart, although she will apologize to me the next day, although we will make up, but the sadness will still be there."

this is the result of not understanding.

in adulthood, we always think that everyone has a chip on his head, and as long as you can give the other person something equivalent to the chip, the other person can be happy. But we forget that happiness actually comes from "understanding", not from unilateral "giving".

it is because I care about you that I want to understand you.

but many people (including our parents) are mistaken and think, "I care about you, so you have to accept what I arranged for you."

"understanding" is our human instinct, but it has been left out in our childhood. It will take a long time to get it back.

so sometimes, before people around them learn to understand again, some people with depression decide to give up fighting the big black dog and choose a choice that everyone disagrees with.

but I don't regard this as cowardice, it's just the result of some people's choice.

if there is no "depression" in this world, then they are exactly like us. As ordinary, as inconspicuous, even as rebellious, the same in the constant pursuit of "different".

but because of the existence of big black dogs, they are destined to think about life and death every day.

but even if they are still wavering, they often say, "I'm going to die." But I can still see in their eyes that they are trying to get used to the days when there are big black dogs, and even begin to try to understand themselves who are sick, and then push the big black dog away bit by bit.

I admire them from the bottom of my heart because they are braver than anyone else.

finally, if you are also depressed at this moment, I want to say something to you:

people hate capriciousness because it doesn't make sense behind capriciousness. But because you are sick, you are often sad and listless for no reason.If you want to give up for no reason, if you can add an adverb before "capricious", then you are the most capricious people.

so when you first get sick, it must be difficult for people around you to understand, because depression is a disease that most people have never faced.

since I haven't faced it, I'm sure to make mistakes when I meet you for the first time.

so allow yourself to make mistakes as well as allow others to make mistakes if you can. Admit that you are a patient, but don't feel like "you are a patient". There is a difference between the two. The former is to accept oneself, while the latter is to give up.

sadness is the original sin of mankind, it doesn't just belong to you, so you should know how to get along with sadness. Don't always think about cutting it off, it will make you more painful, happiness often hides behind sadness, a difference in thought will make you see a different scenery.

remember to boldly tell the people around you: "I need you."

I read the confessions of many depressed patients online and found that their depression often comes from loneliness for a certain period of time. So it's important to find someone who can accompany you.