People's courage will be exhausted.
it's very cold in Beijing today. When I was taking shelter from the haze and rain in a coffee shop, I found a letter written to us by a reader in my mailbox with the title: "will courage run out?" "
the letter was written by a brave and lovely girl.
she took the initiative to express her love to two boys, but it didn't end well. One broke up nine days later, and the other found that she was gay.
after being a little sad, she fell in love with someone she didn't know in the second semester of her second year of high school.
but this time, she is not as "active" as before.
she secretly followed each other's Weibo, and
secretly sent her birthday wishes.
when she secretly did a lot of things, ready to do whatever it takes to express her feelings,
was sad to find that the other person had a girlfriend.
one day, two years later, she suddenly found that a boy was following her Weibo.
this small move made her a fawn, and she suddenly realized that she had been bitter about that boy all these years.
in her letter, she said that she wanted to express herself, but suddenly she was afraid.
maybe it's because all her previous bravery didn't come to a good end, so this time she was a little scared and tangled, and didn't know what to do.
so I spent half an hour writing this reply.
her letter reminds me of myself.
I used to be a "brave" person.
my deskmate told my parents in the year of my first love, and they went to school and confirmed with the teacher that I might have been in a relationship and dragged me home.
my father never hit me. That day, he beat my calf until he saw blood and said angrily, "have you been in love since the sixth grade?" Huh? "
to be honest, it hurt so much that I had to give in and promise them to break up the next day.
but in the end, I continued to fall in love with that girl without telling my family.
even my parents still don't know that I, who always get full marks in the exam, went to the math class only because the girl was there to study.
but for some reason, we broke up in less than three months.
and since then, I haven't been in a relationship for more than three months.
but just when I wondered if I was not fit to fall in love, she showed up.
We have been together for more than four years.
I chased her, but in the end it was the breakup I was talking about.
at the end of the night, I had only one feeling:
was tired and disappointed.
in those four years, there were many storms.
the day after she was with me, she broke up.
at that time, there was a quarrel once a day and a cold war every three days.
her best friend called me unfaithful, just for fun.
my friends say that we are not suitable and are not in the same world.
two years later, when she finally stopped fighting, she said, "I don't know you at all."
some people say that disappointment in a relationship accumulates little by little, and if it accumulates more, it will leave.
I always thought I understood this sentence, but it wasn't until the day I broke up that I realized that
the so-called disappointment is not disappointment in this relationship.
I'm disappointed in myself.
I've worked so hard, so serious, so brave,
, but in the end, I didn't get a good result.
I left because I was so disappointed in myself that I felt that I could no longer maintain this relationship.
the night I broke up, I was very tired.
I even think that I may never like someone as fearlessly as I did.
at that time, like the girl who wrote to me, my courage was worn out by my disappointment with myself.
after the breakup, we deleted Wechat from each other and had no contact with each other.
because I'm the one who said the breakup, I feel guilty. I will click on her Weibo once in a while to see if she is better off.
last Christmas, I sent a tweet.
she commented on it below.
although I changed my WeChat name, I recognized it at a glance.
she talked at length about how happy she had been with her family at Christmas and about her own life.
I selected her messages and just said, Merry Christmas.
you know, before she left a message, I thought she hated me. Because I think I am so irresponsible that I can leave my feelings for four years with a sentence of "tired".
it is no exaggeration to say that her message saved me at that time.
at that moment, I felt as if something had loosened my mind.
in fact, I chose not to be brave because I was afraid to face the "brave" myself.
because at that time, I seemed to make everything worse.
so when she tells me she's doing okay in this way, I suddenly feel as if I didn't really make everything that bad.
when I knew she was doing well, when I chose to reply "Merry Christmas", I began to forgive myself for being "brave" at that time.
the courage that has been exhausted is also gathered in the heart again.
so will people's courage be exhausted?
I think so.
because some things you don't want to face will be hidden in the bottom of your heart and becomeFear.
you don't want to face the torture of running-in again, so you will choose to leave.
you don't want to face the pain of parting, so you will be afraid to have it.
you don't want to face the blow of disappointment, so you will no longer expect,
so many people will be timid after they get hurt. And many people's so-called put it down, just hide it in their hearts.
this kind of hiding, let people freeze at the end of the moment, they will only remember the parting pain, sadness and unbearability, which are eating away at the so-called courage. It is useless to hide
if you don't jump out of that ending and don't make what you should say clearly, you will always be bothered by the ending and ignore the happiness outside the ending.
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if there's anything you want to say, say it. The purpose of saying it is not really to be together or anything, but to give yourself the courage to face the future.
after all, those words that have been hidden for a long time are spoken not only to each other, but also to those who have been bitter about them for a long time.
you have to learn to let go of the bitter self.
illustration | eel whale
Music | take a deep breath
Note: you can go to NetEase Yun Music to search the "disorderly push song selection" playlist.
the author introduces
living to death
We want to collect a thousand letters about" bad life "
We will send out our replies every week
in nine months, we will hold a letter exhibition with you