Actually, I'm not that afraid to leave you.

/October 2023

A few days ago, the eel whale sent an article on her account about the departure of her loved ones. Not long, but let me remember now.

maybe it's a coincidence, or maybe it's because we are so old that many people around us feel the separation between life and death.

Cai Kangyong says that our education never teaches us how to say goodbye, but it happens to be something we have to experience.

in the middle of the night, a friend suddenly posted a moments sadly: "do you think people who go to the other side are afraid?" What would he be thinking? Lonely? Are you sad? "

by "over there" he means death that none of us can touch.

so I wrote this article today-I mistakenly thought I was going to die twice, maybe I could try to give an answer.


when I was a child, I loved to cry. I cried when I was aggrieved. My father hates me crying so much that he loses his temper all day and says that a man bleeds without tears.

when I was in fourth grade, I had a car accident. After I crashed out and stood up, the blood on my head was sprinkled. I looked down at my hands, all red and cried.

because the wound is on the head, it can't be anesthetized. The doctor told me to hold on, it's time for stitches. I cried and said I didn't want it. I had to wait for my mom to come and do the surgery.

after my mother came, I cried and said, I want to wait for my father to come.

because of the cloth over my face, I couldn't see my father when he arrived, so I could only hold his hand and feel his presence.

before the operation began, I suddenly said, "Dad, I won't cry this time."

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at that moment, I probably thought I was going to die. All of a sudden, I had only one thought. I wanted to make my father happy at the last minute.

so when the twelve unanesthetized needles passed through my scalp, and when the child on the operating bed next door cried so loudly, I was speechless, but I didn't make a sound.

after a while, I sensed that my father was shaking, probably crying. It was the first time in my life that I felt him cry. I squeezed his hand and said, "Dad, we all stop crying."

my father just let out a cry, then took my hand and tried harder.


the second time in high school, a sudden serious illness.

I was lying in a hospital bed in so much pain that I asked the doctor if he could get a painkiller, and the doctor told me with a straight face that he had done so. With big needles and small needles in my body, my mind kept spinning and all kinds of pain that I couldn't describe in words.

I told my mother weakly that I wanted to yell and cry. But I dare not do this. I have a strong hunch that as long as I give up controlling my emotions at that time, I will collapse instantly and become a "mental illness" in some sense. "

it feels like your brain no longer belongs to you, and there is only pain except to vent your madness.

I didn't experience death at that time. I thought it was death. Although I kept telling myself it was okay, my brain couldn't help thinking about what to do after I died.

with a lot of drama, I took out my cell phone and wrote more than a dozen emails, or "suicide notes", in that dark eight hours.

I chose a few e-mails (suicide notes). This is what I recorded before dying:

"my brother and sister, I always lied to you about drumsticks when I was a kid, and I won't rob you any more." I'm sorry that I didn't do my duty as a good brother. I left without giving you any help. Don't be too sad. You should be more sensible and take good care of yourself and your parents. "

"Mom and Dad, you've been doing your job. I've been eating your rice and I didn't even give you a present in the end." Younger brothers and sisters should be more sensible, they will certainly take good care of you. Don't work too hard, with your family, I am very happy. "

"after chasing you for so long, it was over after not being together for a few days. Your grades are mediocre, I didn't help you, and I forced you to fall in love with me. Promise me that you will find someone to live and come on. I'm sorry. "

"how funny you say. When I met you, we were deskmates. Ten years later, I haven't seen you fall in love. I'm afraid I can't go to the wedding. I'll fucking remember to burn the ending of the novel to me and go first."

. In many ways, I was immersed in near-death memories and wrote a lot of words to many very important people that I always wanted to say but didn't say, and said a lot of goodbyes.

this is what I really thought at the time.


A friend put a flashlight in her dead grandmother's coffin. She said, "it feels like you are afraid of the dark in the first night. Fortunately, I put a flashlight in your new room." You don't know how to open it. I already opened it when you secretly put it in. "

it's hard for us to learn to say goodbye to death because we don't know what's on the other side of life, so we worry and ask, "are people dying or dying afraid?" Lonely? Are you sad? "

and I think, no.

fourth grade, when I thought this was death, because I wanted to give my parents the last happiness, I fought and cried for the first time. At that time, I was not afraid.

when I was lying in a hospital bed alone, I thought of all the important people I had experienced with me and what I wanted to say. I was not alone at that time.

are you sad?

A little bit, because I don't know if you, who are so important to me, can have a good life in this world.

when you worry about whether I am scared, lonely and sad, I am also worried that after I leave, you willWill not be happy, have not been aggrieved.

Huang Zhizhong said, "you don't need courage where I'm going. You need it."

means that it takes more courage to live well than to die.

Yes, I am not afraid of the dark or loneliness. I am not afraid of anything.

the only thing I'm afraid of is that you don't have a good life on the other side of me.

ah? You asked me what I wanted before I died?

Umm. I think my wish is the same as yours:

I want you to be brave and happy over there. "

so don't cry, be good, good night.